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Things That Have Caused Me To Have All Out Meltdowns Since The Quarantine Began: A Brief List.




1. The Unemployment Office ceased giving me unemployment benefits a month ago and won’t even answer my emails anymore. Hell, the last person I got on the phone told me that I “answered the question wrong” and that “other people weren’t confused by that question.” They’re probably not going to help me because I am unworthy of all assistance. I am a flaw in the system and deserve to be fucked over. 


2. My pancakes are sticking to the pan.


3. I can’t get into a Zoom meeting. It says, “Internal Meeting Only” and that I need to sign in with my company account to log in. What company account?!?!? So, every stand-up comedian who wants advice from the working voice actor is not only funnier than I am, but has a real job with a company account? It’s because I didn’t say in advance that I was coming. It’s a small, understandable mistake. Just like with my unemployment benefits. I will continue to be punished for small and understandable errors until the day I die. 


4. I can’t find the healing crystal I’m looking for. It was literally just right here. 


5. The dishwasher stopped working. Why? The damn thing worked all week. What the fuck is this flashing light and why is it on?? Putting in a load of dishes was the one thing my girlfriend asked me to do today and I thought putting them in at 5:30pm would be fine. She’s been so supportive and she’s going to know that I didn’t start this until late this afternoon and then she’s going to be angry. She’s also going to leave because she’s better than I am and I don’t deserve love. 


6. The power just went out. The Internet is all I have right now! I can’t deal with this. 


7. I got on a Zoom call with friends who are all either still working from home or are essential employees. They wanted to know how I've been and what I've been doing. What the hell am I supposed to tell them, exactly -- that I'm unessential because I'm a bartender and as such putting my college education to waste just like my mom said I would. If I was a better person, I'd have a job that was essential. I've had those kinds of jobs before. Maybe just once. God, I'm the biggest failure of us all.


8. I cried during a breath work workshop that was designed to make us release emotion. So, there's that.

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